THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO WITCHES

THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO WITCHES

What does WITCH stand for?

W is for wicked
I is for inhumane
T is for torturing children for fun
C is for cats
H is hungry for human brains

That is exactly what WITCH really means. Witches are very wicked and inhumane. They torture little children for fun once they’ve got their evil, rotten fingers on them.
Witches are mad about cats, especially black ones. An average witch owns at least 15 cats.



A really nasty thing that witches do is eat human brains. Usually they eat adult brains. They do this so that they can live longer (See ‘HOW LONG DOES A WITCH LIVE?’).



How do witches kidnap people?

What witches do in stories isn’t half as evil as what they really do in real-life. To kidnap a person, a witch would act like a normal woman. She would somehow get a person to drink a potion called Lrijie. Lrijie is a potion to make humans fall unconscious and faint instantly (See ‘POTIONS’). But of course, she wouldn’t do that in a place that’s crowded with people. Once the person in unconscious, the witch would stuff the victim into a large potato sack (Witches always carry a potato sack everywhere they go but they would always fold it and stuff it in their handbags so no one can see it).



After that, the witch would tie the potato sack onto her magic broomstick with a magical string and then off she’d go to her lair and feast on the victim’s brain.

How do witches eat human brains?

Eating is one of their nastiest habits. They don’t just eat the brains; they cook it with potions to add a little flavour to it. They usually use the Grerdile potion (See ‘POTIONS’). They would make the potion mixture in a large pot. Then they would chop the brain into pieces and throw it into the pot. They would mix the mixture with a big spoon called Grytre. When the witch grub is done, they would pour the slimy ‘food’ into bowls and eat it all up. They call this human brain food Hrerlimies (See “WHAT DO WITCHES EAT BESIDES BRAINS?”).



Can you tell the difference between a witch and an ordinary woman?

If you look very closely, yes. A witch will always have a bigger and longer nose. A witch would also have warts all over her face.



Witches speak in a funny accent. For example, if they say out numbers, they would pronounce them differently like this:

Wurn, toorh, tree, frouh, froive, sricks, sreven, arate, nrine, tren

They use R’s a lot. They speak Bruffdorn (See ‘WHAT LANGUAGE DO WITCHES SPEAK?’). By listening carefully to how they speak will also help you to differentiate a witch from a normal woman. Witches often wear black clothing. They believe that the colour black would help hide their warts. Witches like to wear long, black hats but of course they wouldn’t wear it in public. Except maybe at Halloween parties. No one would know.

What do witches wear?

Witches love to wear long black cloaks/clothes. They also wear pointy black hats. Witches like to wear long black shoes. They wear black and orange striped socks to go with the shoes.





Where do witches come from?

Witches come from a very little country called Acirema. But the worst witches in Acirema live in a town called Learsi. Acirema isn’t on any maps. No one has ever dared visit Acirema before but the very few people who did never escaped from the witches. Acirema and Learsi’s national language is Bruffdorn (See ‘WHAT LANGUAGE DO WITCHES SPEAK?’).



How long does a witch live?

The life expectancy for an average witch is about 30 years. Every witch has 30 warts on her face. Each wart pops or disappears each year for 30 years. But some witches live a little longer or shorter depending on how many warts they have. There are three stages of growth in a witch’s life:-

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AGE 1-7: Nredchil (Child)
AGE 8-15: Reganeet (Teen)
AGE 16-20: Prunworg (Adult)
AGE 21-25: Ergledim (Middle-aged)
AGE 26-30: Roines (Old)__________

What language do witches speak?

Witches speak the language Bruffdorn. There are a lot of R’s in Bruffdorn. It would be hard for us to speak as we do not use R’s as often as they do and the language we speak would be hard for them to speak. Here are some simple Bruffdorn phrases:-



________________________________________________________________________
Jrebler, dran promern trope? – Hello, how are you?
That’s the only kind phrase in Bruffdorn. The other simple ones are either too rude or violent, but here they are:-

Lrein grin drow! – Get out of my face!
Mrawn fraine srow brula! – I’ll tear your heart out!
Kreer nrione hraws nruffburg lrune! – I will poke your eyes with a hammer!

That’s enough Bruffdorn for now___________________________________________


Do witches fall in love?

Yes, they do. But with whom, you ask? Wizards. That’s right. Wizards aren’t really mentioned here because this is a book about witches, not wizards. But wizards live in Acirema too. Most of them have long beards down to their feet. In order to attract witches during Hraile Praunt (the ‘love’month), they would shave their beards to show their faces to the witches. But what happens when a witch falls in love with a human? It’s totally unacceptable for a witch to marry a man in Acirema. The rules are very strict. A witch who marries a human would be hanged or beaten to death. The human too would be killed the same way.



What do witches eat besides brains?

Witches enjoy eating Jarbs the most. A Jarb is a kind of bun-like witch food stuffed with Lrew (witch sauce). Jarbs come in different colours. There are round, square, rectangular and triangular shaped Jarbs. They come in different sizes too. Witches also eat Nrumbles. Nrumbles are like ice-creams except they’re hot and they’re eaten in bowls. Here’s a list of popular foods that witches eat:-

FRINE – Slimey soup
LROIN – Baked brains
KRANIE – Green liquid with chunky potato pieces
JREENE – Jelly with pieces of human brain
VRIBLE – Fish cooked with Jarbs
WROBLE – Giant roasted toads with gravy
MRAWNE – Frine with flower petals________________________________________



Do witches get ill?

Witches suffer from diseases at least once a month. This is because they’re not hygienic. Witches die early because of this. They only shower 5 times a year. They use special perfumes to cover up their stinky body odour. You can sometimes smell that stinky old sweaty perfume scent when you’re around them. Sometimes they suffer from the same diseases as us humans. The diseases that both humans and witches suffer from are A(H1N1) flu, bird flu, chicken pox and measles. The diseases that only witches suffer from are Hryloparth (purple warts all over face), Lrythist (big warts inside mouth and down in throat), Drothillr (red pimple-like bumps under hair) and Jrumile fever (very, very high fever and bumps appear on nose).

Potions

Witches have all sorts of potions stored up in their homes. They all have different affects. Here’s a list of them:-

NROLE – Turns people into animals and animals into people
FRIZELLE – Used to add a little frizz to their food
PRILLAN – Used to
GRERDILE – Adds a sweet and sour taste (that witches really, really like) to food
MRUGFALL - Turns witches and humans into reptiles
LRIJIE – Makes people fall unconscious and faint immediately
BRAUMETE – Plucks souls out of humans (takes a long time to work)
FRUZZLING – Turns animals into monsters
DRAIMEN – Kills plants and animals with just a drop_________________________



What do witches do to entertain themselves?

Witches play games. But definitely not the kind of games that we play. Witches love to play Jrumb Frumble. They’d need 4 to 7 players. They’d need to stand in a circle and pass around a big jelly cube filled with Lrew. There would be some kind of device in the cube that will pop it. It can blow up any time. When the cube pops, the witch holding it would be covered in Lrew. That witch would be crowned loser.



Another popular game that witches play is Pruff Drungle. It’s something like a board game except the board and the dice is huge. They’d need up to 4 or 5 players. All of the witches would have to stand at the starting point at the start of the game. They’d roll the huge dice one by one and move to different places. The witch that gets to the ending point is the winner. But this game is quite dangerous. There would be Monster Cats to prevent the witches from winning. Monster Cats are cats that are fed tuna with the potion Fruzzling. Monster Cats pounce on the witches and scratch off their hair. To prevent the cat from attacking, the witches need to pick up tuna cookies along the way and feed the Monster Cats. They play this for fun. Unbelievable.



WRITTEN BY: JU KYAW
ILLUSTRATIONS BY: JU KYAW
BRAIN ILLUSTRATION BY: LEO